sometimes i can just stand in awe of God. its a huge struggle of mine to be able to be in awe of God. i know he is amazing, but awe is a pretty unique thing for me. tonight was a rare occasion when i got to show Him. here i was sitting at the computer, totally oblivious. my mom finally flipped out and told me to look outside. one of the most amazing things i have ever seen in my life. a lot of people have been saying recently about how someone can look at stuff like this, and not believe that there is a God. i believe it thought because i do the same thing sometimes. i see something happen, and im like cool; but the impact of what has actually happened never hits me. i just pass stuff by like its nothing special or that nothing created it. boy am i wrong. not only did God create all of this, but he created it for our enjoyment and for his glory. seriously, how amazing is that????

burger anyone?

Sometimes i wonder what in the world my life means. I know that im totally in love with Him, but seriously what am i doing here? i get up everyday, use the bathroom, eat, either watch tv or computer, practice bass, then either hang out with friends/go to church/get on tv/play computer. i have no life. i used to think that my friends and family were my life, well besides God. but now with all this crap, to where i still have friends but about 4 people im close to compared to the twenty something 7 months ago... what am i doing? i don't spend enough time helping others. sure ill do chores, clean, help friends/parents, but how is that benefitting the kingdom of God? i want to know that there are bigger and better things out there. i feel like an ant in an anthole. there is a whole other world out there that i haven't even caught a glimpse of. i wonder if the first step to living is following through with something that i think has been placed in my life. for a while now ive wanted to just go buy food for the homeless people that stand right off montgomery and I25. i always thought it was just my wanting to be nice, but now im starting to think that God might be trying to tell me something. so as of right now, im trying to get the guts to talk to my parents about volunteering at possibly Joy Junction or some place that helps those who have less than me. im hoping it works out, because im tired of living my life like every other person. i want to make a difference. i want to show people His love and kindness.

sometimes i wonder why in the world i hang out with girls. i hate the feeling that someone is better looking, nice, sweeter, cooler, etc. than me. i hate knowing that im not good enough. im always second best. never first. if i just hung out with guys i wouldn't have this problem because i wouldn't be friends with any of these girls. i want to know that im loved for me, and loved as much as everyone else. i love my boys, but i hate how ive been treating them. i don't know why, but for the past year or something i cant be be civilized. i can hold conversations and everything, but i can't spend more than an hour with any of the guys without and physically doing something to them, whether that be hitting, kicking, punching, or slapping. i hate it. i love those guys to death and i have no idea what i would do without them but i can't seem to get past what has been part of my routine for a while. i want to love them, respect them, honor them, and treat them with love and kindness. i want to know that im being the best i can be instead of falling short of what i know is possible. i want to be the one that they can not only trust or confide in, but just hang out with without having to worry about me falling all over them, gossiping, or any of that stuff. He has his work cut out for Him. but im going to work too

on a happier note, i think i got a B in calc. up till 1 today i had an 83 in the class, but after taking the final i have no idea what my final grade will be. im just happy i got it up to an 80. i got the highest grade in this last quiz and it was awesome!!!! God is awesome, even if i hadn't gotten the 83. so woot. calc 1 is officially over. now onto calc 2.