patience is a virtue

i am not a very patient person, so when it comes to waiting for something, i suck. i hate waiting for answers, to find out if this is worth it, and what im supposed to do with all this anyways. I know God has a plan and everything but i have no idea if im supposed to keep acting the same i have for the past couple of months, or to stop going out of my way to make my actions agree with my feelings. i don't know if im supposed to assume that his "no" means no forever or no for just the time being. i don't know what im supposed to do!! ahhh and He is being silent. i don't like it when He is silent, cause that involves patience. humph, i think God is set to ruin me. but hey.... thats a good thing :)

there will be good that comes out of this. gotta trust Him

fight club

service tonight, to put it bluntly, was amazing. the worship was awesome, the students seemed really into it, and the message was really really good. im excited to see what else is going to happen with everything.

welcome home

name of this really cool song that i heard about 20 times last night. its actually a really bad song but the guitar in that song blows my mind. we went to party for grant last night. it was fun. i missed hanging out with those people. there was wii, worship, and chalk. good times. i like when good stuff happens. im usually a pessimistic but i love when im just happy about stuff. like when i was taking pics of manda, evie, and rae draw on Dave's driveway. those 3 are about as different as night and day, but the total picture that was put together on the blocks of his driveway fit together like pieces of a puzzle. they were all different but together they were a masterpiece (or i thought anyways).


under one of rae's drawing she wrote the words "what a beautiful God there must be."


looking at the people around us, the pieces of art these girls were drawing, and at the fellowship we have, i can't help but agree. Can anyone remember the most beautiful sunset they have seen with their own eyes? i remember a few. one when i was driving home from Denver with a friend. the clouds were a bright yellow against the blue sky. it was gorgeous.


another time, it had been raining during uprising. the courts and ground where still wet but the clouds parted and the sun shone through illuminating the clouds.


i remember how in awe i was of them. now i sit and think.... God is like a billion quadrillion times more beautiful sunsets. i know i can never fully comprehend all that but it helps when i see the little things that He shows us of beauty. He gave us sunsets, lightning storms, rain, flowers, waterfalls, clouds, and the stars. yet sometimes, we get so busy that we fail to see the beauty in the busyness. when those times come, we need to just stop, breathe, and open our eyes to see what God has placed before our eyes especially for us. He really is a beautiful God.

i hate my parents. ok don't hate just really really despise right now. i can understand getting grouinded for forgetting to call them when i leave or arrive somewhere and stuff like that but they frinkin grounded me because i listened to the radio. i can't even drive to church now!! seriously i was excited because i could lay in the bed of my truck between services while it rained. now i can't do that. i have to sit up there and be bored of my stinkin mind. i love how wednesday and thursday were pretty much amazing then yesterday and today were pretty much awful. God i don't understand you. im done even wanting to try.

gotta love them college boys

so this my recap for this past week

wednesday: packed and started our drive to Springfield missouri. my older brothers were graduating from college so we went up there to go watch. wednesday was our drive to amarillo. that town is so weird but i love it. we went to this little dinky food place called Coyote Bluff Cafe that my brother heard about on some food show. they had some AMAZING HAMBURGERS!! then we went to the hotel and crashed.

thursday: left the hotel and started heading towards Tulsa Oklahoma where my aunt, uncle, and favorite cousin live. the drive was pretty boring but we got to their house around 3. it was awesome. i love my cousin. hes soo cool!!! and it was fun he plays drums, bass, and electric so we had a lil jam session, minus the drums. it was awesome! i can totally play Kryptonite on bass!!!! so that was pretty much the whole night... oh cept when us kids drove to get ice cream. that was eventful. i had never driven in another city so it was weird. my cousin kept making comments about my driving. i almost killed him :)

friday: we drove 3 hours to Springfield, met my brother and other aunt and uncle for lunch at chillis. that was boring. then we headed to the hotel, got dressed, and headed over to the stadium where the graduation was to be held. there were like a billion people there which was weird... cause over like 2000 people graduated (not at the same time they split it up into 3 different times). so we sat through the ceremony then hung out at chillis again and our hotel with my brothers till about 10.

saturday: crap happened, and so did the drive back home. we spent about 11 hours in the car cause we were driving from Springfield to Amarillo. nothing fun then really. cept i got to watch nitro circus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that show is so stinkin amazingly awesome i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sunday: our little drive home. we got back around 12, unpacked, then i headed over to the church to hang out with the besties. it was great!!! hung out with sara, chris, evie, and elliott till about 230 then went home and got ready for chris' graduation party. it was so much fun!!! and good cause i got to fix some stuff with friends. and tell someone who means the world to me about something and he took it well. so yay for that!!!!!

monday: doomsday. im a freak. its the summer and math is hard. but guess what???? im taking calculus, the hardest math, during this summer!! im insane but i love it. the first hour of class was awful cause i had no idea what my professor was saying but for the other hour and 20 minutes i got it. it was good. i just hope i make it through the summer!!

adios buenos amigos

im on a roll!!!!!!!! seriously ive written more this week then i have..... in a long time. i missed writing. i like being able to get my thoughts out instead of having them bounce around in my head and drive me crazy. its also nice to be able to get out thigns that make me really really happy. like today. i got to spend a couple of hours with the one person ive wanted to be around and just hang with for a long time. it was awesome. i was really really really really nervous before (almost to the point of making myself so sick i almost called to cancel) but it turned out to be a lot of fun. i love how even when you think things will never get better, God always has a plan. this situation was funny. he and i usually only "talk" when something bad has happened. this time it was the opposite. we actually got a long great this weekend. we talked and were normal. imagine my suprise when he txted me asking if i wanted to hang. course i said yes. and im glad i did. we had a good time. got to talk and just be ourselves. it was good!!! yay Jesus, this is exactly what i needed. now we just have to see whats going to happen from now on...

on another note.... i love my friends. i love that they honestly love me and care about me. i hate that sometimes i get so full of it that i forget that, but the reminder is always a good thing. i think i had the best of friends during highschool... yet the best years in middle school. its weird. the friends i made during freshman-senior year are the friends people dream of: honest, trustworthy, kind, funny, caring, loving, special, and actually are good friends to me. i love it. it might not always be perfect or as fun as middle school... but im so happy with everyone. so to all you guys who have been here... thanks so mucho mucho!!!!

i am so terrified right now its not even funny. i forgot what this feels like. tomorrow is going to be do or die. hopefully its do because i care about him a lot and want to get this figured out once and for all. this is when trust plays a huge part. tomorrow could turn out to be either amazing, or a living hell. but im trust Him to do his will and to get us through this whether it be side by side or on opposite ends of the spectrum. pray would be greatly appreciated right now

hmmm

ive written 2 posts in a week!!! its a miracle. so im dearly hoping no one is reading this cause a lot of this may either bore you, shock you, or make you think im insane if you don't think that already. so if your reading this.... you should prolly go find something else productive to do. like go listen to the new TDWP, ok? ok





ive liked this one guy for a while. hes one of my best friends, and can almost always make me smile. a month ago i wanted more than anything to be with him, but there were things that i was not going to let him come between. now, some of those compilcations have smoothed out and i hate it. im supposed to be happy about this, yet i can't get over the fact that i wish she would like him and he keep liking her so i don't have to deal with anything. even worse is that i know its not His will that anything should happen. the guy has very little of what i want in a bf, there are issues with some people, and those aren't even all the signs that God has shown me. i just don't know what to do if he finds out she doesn't like him because im pretty sure hes going to come after me. i really really don't want this anymore. it sucks too because hes like one of my best friends!!! on one hand i don't want to hurt him or lose him, and on the other i know that i would not be happy with him. gah headache. this is one of those times when i wonder why in the world God is doing this. i know He has a plan, but i can't come up with any possible good ending to this. i don't like waiting, and i don't like knowing whats going to happen tomorrow. i don't like knowing that He has the power to throw my life into a mixer and just let it spin. i know the cake will turn out good but this feeling is making me sick. God, i don't understand these feelings. i don't understand how i can still like guys who are totally wrong for me, or who i know would never return the feeling. God, as scared as i am, its in your hands

ha i fail

i never write in this thing. like ever. maybe its cause i forget.... or because im just too lazy :p. so for the past 3 months (i think) 5 of my friends and i have been planning for our graduation. there were good times and bad but today we got to see the results of all our hard work. last night we had to start setting up for the ceremony and did a lil run through of the ceremony. then we pretty much just hung out till it was time to leave. after we finished with everything, my brothr and i went to one of my best friend's birthday parties. it was actually kinda fun. i felt bad though cause everyone there was just hanging out with other people and being lame. i know how it was when you have all your friends to celebrate a birthday with you and it ends up being not so fun. so im going to try to take her out this week to give her something amazing. so that was yesterday. today was doomsday. woke up with cramps and had to be at the church at 11. not so fun, but thankfully my pain didn't start kicking in til after the ceremony. it was awesome. we got to hang out, be retards, and enjoy our last moments as high schoolers.the ceremony went well with pretty much nothing weird.... cept for someone's saying he shouldn't have to pay for his sex. :D (not what it sounds like) it was really really nice though. i for one am glad to be done though. i had some good years but it was time to move one. im really glad i got to do it with these people though. robert is one of my closest friends and hilarious. i was really happy that he was graduating early. evie just lights up everything and pretty sure i wouldn't enjoy her screams if she hadn't graduated on time. lizzie is plain adorable and i loved being able to spend this with her, especially since ive known her for years. manda panda... to put it mildly.... IS FREAKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! that woman brings so much joy to me is insane. this graduation wouldn't have been the same without her. last.... haha was jared. gah that kid makes me laugh. i was a little freaked when i found out i wasn't the only one graduating early but it was really really cool to be up there with him. hes an amazing guy and being around him is always a party. all in all these guys were amazing. my graduation would have sucked without them. so to my class of 2009..... THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!