kings and queens

Its christmas eve. tomorrow is christmas. i think the only thing that reminds me its christmas is Jesus. im not in the christmas spirit, and it doesn't even feel like christmas. except for the fact that He died and im celebrating it tomorrow (officially). guess thats the only important thing :p

service was good this morning. one of my favorite parts was the "transiberian" song the band first played. it was incredible. i got chills. it reminded me that christmas doesn't have to be all sweet and cute. it can be hardcore and incredible. that song was the reminder of that. i wish we could have a song like that every week. the only downside to that service was when they played angels we have heard on high to the tune of Viva La Vida by coldplay. lol i was just a tad annoyed cause i was singing along to coldplay while everyone was singing the christmas song. oh well it meshed on some parts :p

working on christmas eve is quite an experience. i have a whole new respect for retail employees. i was only at work for 2 hours and those 2 hours were so stinkin busy! i felt bad leaving michelle and charlie but family stuff comes first. it was funny i was helping this guy with toddler shoes ( i think they were for his son) and i finished and put the shoes he wanted at the counter for carly to ring up. i was in the back getting shoes for someone else when carly came in laughing. she had asked that guy who helped him, cause its what we do. his response- "the skinny hot chic (or the hot skinny chic w/e)." needless to say it was pretty hilarious. michelle came back a few minutes later and told me again. oh well as long as they got a laugh ill deal :p

off to grandma's house we go. it was fun. good food. cool gifts. wanna know the best part? we were talking about my whole getting married thing and my dad said he knew who he wanted me to marry. my grandmother chimes in saying she knows too. ive talked with my dad so i already knew who he was referring to but i thought my grandma was going to mention my ex or something. but nnnoooo. she wanted me to marry the same guy my dad wants me to. scary or what? well its never going to happen :)

Jesus has better for the both of us. and im pretty sure its not the other


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!

(yay for jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wonder if he was a cute baby)

one of the best nights ive had in a long time. i miss hanging out with big groups of people. i love the awkward moments. i love the goofing off. i love being able to just hang out and not have to worry about who is watching or what we are doing.

i hate that out of all the fun i had, the night ended with my frustrated but i guess that comes with the territory.

thank you all, and to all a good night

Love

one of my favorite coworkers is being sent home to Cali
:(

i got an A in spanish
:)

tonight is church
:)

next week is christmas
:)

week after that is shift party
:)

30 seconds to mars good
:)

the great i am

sometimes i wonder why. why am i this way? why do i talk like that? why do i feel like this? why am i never good enough? why? i went from being the happeist person in middle school to an emotional teenager in highschool. i hate looking back to freshman year and on and seeing that the only times i was actually truly happy were when i was with him, and when i surrounded myself with a group of people who i thought were my best friends. he made me hapier than anyone. i trusted him so completely that i actually took the time to tell him about my day, about the stupid things i saw and did, what i wanted out of life, and how i felt. that has been the only time in my life i ever was that honest with someone. i didn't care if he thought i was crazy, cause i knew that even if he did, he would still be there. i don't have that anymore. i have gone through friends like people go through shoes. they last for a while but you can't have them forever. i want someone who i can trust, be honest with, be myself with, screw up with, and know that they still give a crap about me. i took a risk last year with some people. wasn't at the same level but i tried. and i got burned. i know people make mistakes but when they go from trusting you and being close with you to mocking you, making fun of you, and ignoring you, what am i supposed to do then?



trust Him. He may have taken away everything that made me complete, but He did it for me because He knew i deserved better. He knew i deserved better than having someone lie to me, take advantage of me, use me, refuse me, reject me, and humiliate me. sometimes His plans are better than my plans. when things get tough, even unbearable, i have to remember that. one day im going to get away from all this and just be able to sit in His arms. im not going to worry about boys, friends, family, school, work, or life. im going to be able to close my eyes and sing. im going to be able to curl up in His lap whenever i want without worrying about Him not having the time, or being preoccupied. He is going to be my only priority, and in turn, i am going to be His



------------------------------------



My God,

So desperately I watch them calling for You.

To bring down your hands.

To make this all okay.

To make us whole again.

Us whole again.

And now,

So desperately I have been calling for You.

To bring down your hands.

To make this all okay.

To bring me home.

And He said.

I will carry you home again,home tonight.

I will carry you to let you fly,to let you fly.

And now,

So desperately I have been waiting for You.

To bring down your hands.

To make this all okay.

To make me whole again.

I know that this is the way.

I know this is the way you planned for it.

I will carry you home again,home tonight.

I will carry you to let you fly,to let you fly.

I will carry you home again,home tonight.

I will carry you to let you fly,to let you fly

Dear Me

Dear Blog World,

I don't understand you at all. I don't know why i blog, because no one reads it :p. Maybe I do it for my own enjoyment. Yea thats prolly it. So maybe this should be called "Dear Me". yea thats what I am going to change it to.

Dear Me,

I love my job. I was terrified first day because the only person i knew was Carly, and i knew about Charlie. now 3 weeks later, i know pretty much everyone and im almost sure none of them hate me. I get along pretty well with everyone, especially William and Charlie. Those 2 make me so happy I am not one of those girls who doesn't like hanging with guys (yes there are girls like that). Its really nice having more than 1 friend there, cause its not awkward for me when im working and im not scared of asking them for help, either before i after i screw up. I remember filling out job applications this summer. my number 1 choice for wanted to work was Hot Topic, 2 was Vans. I thought those would never be possibilites, that i would be stuck at Dions. Jesus had other plans though :D
~I got my Vans

Well this has been a really nice conversation with myself. Ill talk to myself later :p

Love

I love my life.


I love my Savior


I love my family


I love my friends


I love my job


I love the people at my job


I love the strangers that walk by me every day


I love the kids that hardcore dance


I love the kids that headbang


I love the kids that sit quietly and let the music flow through them


I love music


I love dance


I love that im not a very good lover. this means im not perfect and that i still need Him

I love

I love because He first loved me.

this has been one of the best days this year. new camera+lumberjack shirt+snow=awesomeness

only sad thing is i got a call from vans about setting up an interview. turns out it was the one at coronado and i don't know if anyone from cottonwood will call :( but i guess carly is going to find out if i need to do anything later. oh well still happy :))))))))))))

ahh good day. thanks, Jesus

The Cullen Song (a must read)

I've got a diabolical plan this Halloween
One that's sure to increase my popularity
Didn't get invited to the costume party Friday night
But I won't stand here sulking in the twilight
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
the guys will be jealous but the girls will love it
Running so fast that it's never a race
Spreading lots of glitter all over my face
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
Not receiving invitations never stopped me
beforeI will show up knocking on their front door
Vampire teeth completes my costume, almost done
I bet Edward shops Forever 21
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
the guys will be jealous but the girls will love it
Running so fast that it's never a race
Spreading lots of glitter all over my face
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
*whining*
Drivin' this Benz like I got no license
Bitin' on necks like they're made of spices
Suckin' on blood cause it tastes like honey
Climbin' up trees with my spider monkey
Playin' baseball, swing a bat like lightnin'
Gotta save Bella with some vampire fightin'
Playin' hooky from class cause I gotta go feed
Rippin' up roots askin' "What do we eat?"
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
the guys will be jealous but the girls will love it
Running so fast that it's never a race
Spreading lots of glitter all over my face
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen

well that made me think

i love reading my friend rachel's blog. the woman is a genius. reading her posts/comments i can't help but feel a little stupid sometimes that i don't have knowledge like that. that, however, is strictly my own fault.



she recently made a post about people recognizing her at church from seeing her at school or some other place. some of the comments on it made me think. i won't summarize cause ill fail, but since im going to talk about this, go read it.

http://yoterahava.blogspot.com/2009/10/this-is-moment-that-you-know.html



i am pretty much an idiot when it comes to knowledge of the Bible, of Christ, of God, and of anything having to do with those three. i have no one to blame for my lack of knowledge but myself. i could be sitting down and studying the bible, memorizing, talking with people about it, doing research on it, etc. yet over the 14 years of my relationship with the only Person that truly matters, i have the knowledge of a new born baby. if i was to sit and have a conversation with an unbeliever, i would prolly do a horrible job of showing them Christ. i know nothing except His love for me. that matters, but if i don't have facts to back up my faith, what good is it? ive always wondered why He has never presented me with opportunities to talk with people about Him (maybe He has, i either missed it or ignored it), but its prolly because i don't know enough. im not prepared. no one goes into battle not knowing how to fight. people don't send librarians off to Iraq to fight on the front line. they aren't prepared (ok they might be if they are librarians who joined the army). if i was to be sent overseas, i wouldn't be prepared. i don't know how to shoot, i don't have endurance, i don't have strength, i have absolutely no pain tolerance, i don't know how to drive a humvee, and i don't know how to do what needs to be done. I AM NOT PREPARED! i think it is one of the most important things as people who have a relationship with Christ to be prepared when situations arise. Do we know why God created the universe, the world, and us? Do we know why He allowed Adam and Eve to fall in the garden of Eden instead of keeping everything perfect and beautiful. Do we know why He sent His only beloved, precious, holy, and perfect son to die a death so hideous it is still talked about today, nearly 2000 years later? Do we know why He has kept us here? Do we know why everything has happened?



If we don't, we are not prepared. those aren't even all the questions people have concerning God, Jesus Christ, the Bible, etc. We will never have all the info, but if we have none of it, i wonder sometimes if this has all been a waste. God didn't create us to play in the NFL, to find a cure for cancer, to marry and have kids, or to live the funnest life we could dream of. Some of these things may be in His plan for us, but He ultimately created us to choose to love Him, follow Him, worship Him, be His friend, love Him, pursue an intimate relationship with Him, etc. He also created us to share His gift of enduring, endless love with those who haven't experienced it. we were created to go to the ends of the earth and share the story of the gospel.



we may not always be treated with kindness and respect. people may not always be openminded to what we have to say. they may treat us like crap, deny everything we have to say, tell us we are liars, or tell us we are fools. we may not be able to reach everyone, or have everyone accept what we have to say, but trying is what counts. we cannot force people to do what we want, or what He wants. it is ultimatly their decision. if they choose to ignore, we should still love, be open, and know that He loves them, even if they don't return the feeling.

if i ever happen to have a conversation with any of you, and i completely fail at telling you how much He has changed my life, all i want you to know is He loves you.

The End

f-r-i-e-n-d-s

i love my friends. i realize that i don't say that enough, and if i do i don't realize the meaning behind it. God really knew what he was doing when He said we can't go through life alone. i have no idea what i do without everyone. actually i do know what i would do: die or worse, go crazy.

=)

sometimes i wish i could move to anothe city so i can have a fresh start at life, with people, with school, and with myself. im so tired of dealing with the same things day in and day out. sometimes its alright, but other times i want a second chance. i feel really bad saying that, cause He has already given me a second chance at life and i don't like it. i want to be happy, or even content, with what i have. the only thing that even comes close is the fact that He loves me. everything else just makes me want to shoot something. well, maybe ill get it when i transfer to who knows where. i just stress out :D

on a way happier note, i think i actually figured out where im going to school. my dad and i went to senior day at unm today and i am now officialy smarter. plus i have some more arm muscles from carrying that bag of a billion brochures :]. anyways we went the engineering session at the end of the day, and i discovered that almost all of the schools in NM offer chemical engineering but not with explosives, which is what i want to do. i didn't know that. i automatically assumed that explosives when under chemical for any school but i guess not. so after the session i went to talk to the professor and he said the only school in NM he knows of that offers explosivs is Tech. so if everything goes according to plan, i will be a Techy next fall. im just a teensy bit sad that there is nothing down there, cause with the way things are turning out up here, i might not want to come homee. idk maybe God will build something sweet down there... and maybe not. we shall see.

live long and posper :D

you make me want to be a better person. you make me want to be friendlier, more outgoing, more daring. you make me want to take stand. you make me want to take a risk. you make me want to forget everything i know and just go for it. you make me want to be better, not only for myself, but for Him. you make me want to be me

time to face the facts

ive lied. ive cheated. ive gossiped. ive stolen. ive easedropped. ive lusted. ive worried. ive regretted. ive lost faith. ive hated. ive murdered. ive disobeyed. ive envied.

i put on a mask, because im scared that they won't like me for who i am. im scared they will judge me because im not as funny, as pretty, as nice, or as cool as other people. ive put myself at a distance from them. ive shunned them because i don't want them to know how i really feel. ive lied to them because if they knew the truth, they would hate me. i hate that i don't trust them. i hate that when they ask me whats wrong, i automatically say "im fine." deep down, im the farthest thing from fine. i hate telling them whats wrong because im afraid they won't even care. i hate not making an effort because im scared that they won't do anything in return. i hate that they don't do anything in return anyways. i want to be able to be open, honest, alive, and real with them because i love them and because they are worth it. i want to open myself up, even though i will be disappointed and hurt.

im tired of hiding. im tired of not taking risks. im tired of being afraid. im tired of worrying.

i want people to know who i really am, then judge me instead of judging me for the masks i use.

i want to be able to make a difference


i love music. i love singing, i love my bass, and i love just being able to lose myself in the notes, the rhythm, and the passion.

i love people. i love hanging out with people, playing video games, laughing, snowboarding, dancing, and stuff teens do.

i love the homeless. i want to do so much, and i have to get past the fact that just because im young doesn't mean i can't do anything. i can volunteer. i can do what i can now until the point comes to do what my heart desires.

this has been what i like to call, either a venting session, or my time to be honest with myself and with anyone who happens to read this. adios world

Blindside and I Am Terrified blow my mind.

Walking around cliffs with a friend is almost better than riding rides.

Im going to move to Sweden and find myself a hot young musician.

Boys are just a load of confusingness.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is going to be amazing.

New Moon is going to be amazing.

Im going to be old.

I want my hair to be different... like now and not thursday.

Jesus is the only reason I have yet to go crazy.

He loves you.

<3

sometimes i can just stand in awe of God. its a huge struggle of mine to be able to be in awe of God. i know he is amazing, but awe is a pretty unique thing for me. tonight was a rare occasion when i got to show Him. here i was sitting at the computer, totally oblivious. my mom finally flipped out and told me to look outside. one of the most amazing things i have ever seen in my life. a lot of people have been saying recently about how someone can look at stuff like this, and not believe that there is a God. i believe it thought because i do the same thing sometimes. i see something happen, and im like cool; but the impact of what has actually happened never hits me. i just pass stuff by like its nothing special or that nothing created it. boy am i wrong. not only did God create all of this, but he created it for our enjoyment and for his glory. seriously, how amazing is that????

burger anyone?

Sometimes i wonder what in the world my life means. I know that im totally in love with Him, but seriously what am i doing here? i get up everyday, use the bathroom, eat, either watch tv or computer, practice bass, then either hang out with friends/go to church/get on tv/play computer. i have no life. i used to think that my friends and family were my life, well besides God. but now with all this crap, to where i still have friends but about 4 people im close to compared to the twenty something 7 months ago... what am i doing? i don't spend enough time helping others. sure ill do chores, clean, help friends/parents, but how is that benefitting the kingdom of God? i want to know that there are bigger and better things out there. i feel like an ant in an anthole. there is a whole other world out there that i haven't even caught a glimpse of. i wonder if the first step to living is following through with something that i think has been placed in my life. for a while now ive wanted to just go buy food for the homeless people that stand right off montgomery and I25. i always thought it was just my wanting to be nice, but now im starting to think that God might be trying to tell me something. so as of right now, im trying to get the guts to talk to my parents about volunteering at possibly Joy Junction or some place that helps those who have less than me. im hoping it works out, because im tired of living my life like every other person. i want to make a difference. i want to show people His love and kindness.

sometimes i wonder why in the world i hang out with girls. i hate the feeling that someone is better looking, nice, sweeter, cooler, etc. than me. i hate knowing that im not good enough. im always second best. never first. if i just hung out with guys i wouldn't have this problem because i wouldn't be friends with any of these girls. i want to know that im loved for me, and loved as much as everyone else. i love my boys, but i hate how ive been treating them. i don't know why, but for the past year or something i cant be be civilized. i can hold conversations and everything, but i can't spend more than an hour with any of the guys without and physically doing something to them, whether that be hitting, kicking, punching, or slapping. i hate it. i love those guys to death and i have no idea what i would do without them but i can't seem to get past what has been part of my routine for a while. i want to love them, respect them, honor them, and treat them with love and kindness. i want to know that im being the best i can be instead of falling short of what i know is possible. i want to be the one that they can not only trust or confide in, but just hang out with without having to worry about me falling all over them, gossiping, or any of that stuff. He has his work cut out for Him. but im going to work too

on a happier note, i think i got a B in calc. up till 1 today i had an 83 in the class, but after taking the final i have no idea what my final grade will be. im just happy i got it up to an 80. i got the highest grade in this last quiz and it was awesome!!!! God is awesome, even if i hadn't gotten the 83. so woot. calc 1 is officially over. now onto calc 2.

the voices in my head

are so messed up. people shouldn't listen to those voices unless they tell you to run around screaming, set off fireworks, light stuff on fire, or stuff like that. when they start telling you how worthless you are, how no one likes you, how everyone thinks your a freak, or how your better off moving to another city is when you stop listening to those voices. those voices screw up your mind, your heart, and your attitude. I've been having lots of problems with those voices, especially when it comes to how people think of me. God is amazing though, and reminds me how valued and loved i am. i love how i have these preconceived notions and God comes along and totally screws em up :DDDDDD

go listen to black eyed peas- i gotta feeling
agraceful- the great i am

i love music. i love friends. i love it when i get to enjoy amazing music with amazing friends.

today was the scream the prayer tour. i was pretty excited because The Chariot, Agraceful, Oh Sleeper, Haste The Day, Plea for Purging, For Today, Project 86, Sleeping Giant, Gwen Stacy, Corpus Christi, and another band were playing. Nialls, Anna, Ian, and Sara picked me and chris up and 230, got to the place at around 3, and didn't get into the doors till about 4. We alternated between buy shirts, and listening to the bands. Agraceful was stinkin amazing as always and we got to hang out with Lee, the guitarist, for a little while. Porject 86 was awesome!!!! i had always wanted to see those guys and i was not disappointed. For today, gwen stacy, plea for purging, sleeping giant, corpus christi, and the other band i can't remember were good too. The chariot was awesome. chris and i got in the front and within like the first 5 minutes i got punched in the chin and had a guy fall on me. also an amazing mosh pit, lost my showe (found it though), got punched in the lip, then chris finally realized i was getting beat up so he got behind me to keep me from getting worse. after the chariot, went and vegged for a bit. listened to the last couple of songs of Haste the day (amazing) then we left. gah today was awesome.

opus

this has been one intense week. too tired to write it all but mostly.... good friend rejected me (don't ask im not going to tell), worship was one of the best, i was able to actually talk and pray on stage in front of a group of people (TWICE!!), and the most amazing youth pastor i have ever had left. God is seriously trying to test me right now. but im going to get through it with Him.

im so excited, nervous, scared, worried, anxious, happy, giggly, and terrified all at the same time.

im an idiot

so tonight miranda and i went job hunting. it was actually really fun. we went to the mall and pretty much went to any place we liked and asked for applications. she found some places that were hiring and so did i, along with journeys where i actually had an "interview" with the assistant manager. i hope i get it :D

best part of the day??? when miranda went into vans, and she asked one of the guys she knows who works there if they had any job applications. he said no and that they werent hiring. so she came out and told me that then said that the guy was hott. so i went in to ask for an application. here is what went down

me- hi do you guys have any job openings?
guy at desk- yea we do but we don't have any applications now but you can apply online (im summarizing cause i don't remember his exact words)
me- sweet thanks
him- let me get your name and number so i can give it to my manager so she can call you. you will have to print the app online and bring it in next time
me- umm ok well cant i just apply online?
him- yea but if you give me your number i can have the manager call you
me- ok

so silly me wrote down my name and number.

me- should i put "job interview" on the post it?
him- nah i just need your name and number so i can put this somewhere
me- ....ok....

so needless to say i said thanks, and i left to go tell miranda. (cause he told her they weren't hiring). so i got out and i was like... "he said they were hiring........ oh crap!!!!!"

needless to say i just realized that i gave my name and number to a guy who really didn't need it. i still don't know if he just did that to actually get my number or if he is really going to give it to the manager. but it was pretty stinkin hilarious cause that thought didn't enter my mind till after i did it. im a genius

i love life. i love worship. i love Jesus

i don't like waiting. im scared of waiting. finally there is something good and it may not happen. i want this month to be amazing. i want to grow, i want to learn, and i want to be better. it sounds bad but i want to deserve that.

i want this month to be amazing
i want to be able to understand calc
i want to be able to go see I See Stars


i want to obey
i want to love

this next month is going to be interesting.

so last night we had a going away party for ryan. it was funny cause prolly about half of the people thought it was his birthday. but it was a good night. now i just have to get through this next month, what fun

i love how whenever someone not so wonderful happens to me that my parents find out about, they always put the blame on it. i can't control what people do or how they treat me, so stop asking me what i did to allow this to happen, or what i didn't do. after 16 years of this, regardless of how hard i try, i can't make people like me or accept me. even if you don't, i will still do my best to treat you better. i may not always succeed but i don't want to make someone feel the way ive felt over all this time. im doing my best to let people know how much i care. i wish they would stop asking me what i did to piss someone off, why people don't want to hang out with me, or if im making an effort to be friends. for anyone who thinks that i don't try hard enough, i do try. im not a people person but if i care, i will work my butt off to show it.

Never have i ever

Been so nervous about a small group. Last night was the start of the new fuel groups. i hadn't been sure about which group to go to, whether the junior or the senior. i decided to stick with the junior last night and lets say it was really really good. we just hung out and spent the night getting to know some of the othe people but it was still good. i was actually able to be openly honest which i haven't felt comfortable enough to do in a long long time. so next week im going to try out the senior then make my decision.

after group was really good too. chris and i had wanted to go to dions, but ryan wanted to go to his house and jump on the trampoline, and all the other guys wanted to go to elliotts. well chris and i landed up just going to ryans, then the guys just met us there. needless to say that is one of the best nights ive had in a long time. there was 7 guys, and i was the only girl. that makes for fun times. so we hung out in the backyard and jumped for a while, then ryan showed some of us this song by 3OH!3 (it was awesome go look it up its get your back up off the wall-family force 5 and 3OH!3). after listening to amazingness we went to sonic, got ice cream and went to blockbuster to look for a movie. that was fun. all the guys went inside to look for a movie while cody, ryan, chris and i hung out in the car. actually ryan chris and cody. they locked me out so i spent about 15 minutes trying to get in. i finally did after forever. then we went to ryans and jumped till 10 while david, jeremy, grant, and tyler went to watch the movies at tyler's house. it was awesome. wet trampolines with shoes= fun times. hmmm i love my life.

patience is a virtue

i am not a very patient person, so when it comes to waiting for something, i suck. i hate waiting for answers, to find out if this is worth it, and what im supposed to do with all this anyways. I know God has a plan and everything but i have no idea if im supposed to keep acting the same i have for the past couple of months, or to stop going out of my way to make my actions agree with my feelings. i don't know if im supposed to assume that his "no" means no forever or no for just the time being. i don't know what im supposed to do!! ahhh and He is being silent. i don't like it when He is silent, cause that involves patience. humph, i think God is set to ruin me. but hey.... thats a good thing :)

there will be good that comes out of this. gotta trust Him

fight club

service tonight, to put it bluntly, was amazing. the worship was awesome, the students seemed really into it, and the message was really really good. im excited to see what else is going to happen with everything.

welcome home

name of this really cool song that i heard about 20 times last night. its actually a really bad song but the guitar in that song blows my mind. we went to party for grant last night. it was fun. i missed hanging out with those people. there was wii, worship, and chalk. good times. i like when good stuff happens. im usually a pessimistic but i love when im just happy about stuff. like when i was taking pics of manda, evie, and rae draw on Dave's driveway. those 3 are about as different as night and day, but the total picture that was put together on the blocks of his driveway fit together like pieces of a puzzle. they were all different but together they were a masterpiece (or i thought anyways).


under one of rae's drawing she wrote the words "what a beautiful God there must be."


looking at the people around us, the pieces of art these girls were drawing, and at the fellowship we have, i can't help but agree. Can anyone remember the most beautiful sunset they have seen with their own eyes? i remember a few. one when i was driving home from Denver with a friend. the clouds were a bright yellow against the blue sky. it was gorgeous.


another time, it had been raining during uprising. the courts and ground where still wet but the clouds parted and the sun shone through illuminating the clouds.


i remember how in awe i was of them. now i sit and think.... God is like a billion quadrillion times more beautiful sunsets. i know i can never fully comprehend all that but it helps when i see the little things that He shows us of beauty. He gave us sunsets, lightning storms, rain, flowers, waterfalls, clouds, and the stars. yet sometimes, we get so busy that we fail to see the beauty in the busyness. when those times come, we need to just stop, breathe, and open our eyes to see what God has placed before our eyes especially for us. He really is a beautiful God.

i hate my parents. ok don't hate just really really despise right now. i can understand getting grouinded for forgetting to call them when i leave or arrive somewhere and stuff like that but they frinkin grounded me because i listened to the radio. i can't even drive to church now!! seriously i was excited because i could lay in the bed of my truck between services while it rained. now i can't do that. i have to sit up there and be bored of my stinkin mind. i love how wednesday and thursday were pretty much amazing then yesterday and today were pretty much awful. God i don't understand you. im done even wanting to try.

gotta love them college boys

so this my recap for this past week

wednesday: packed and started our drive to Springfield missouri. my older brothers were graduating from college so we went up there to go watch. wednesday was our drive to amarillo. that town is so weird but i love it. we went to this little dinky food place called Coyote Bluff Cafe that my brother heard about on some food show. they had some AMAZING HAMBURGERS!! then we went to the hotel and crashed.

thursday: left the hotel and started heading towards Tulsa Oklahoma where my aunt, uncle, and favorite cousin live. the drive was pretty boring but we got to their house around 3. it was awesome. i love my cousin. hes soo cool!!! and it was fun he plays drums, bass, and electric so we had a lil jam session, minus the drums. it was awesome! i can totally play Kryptonite on bass!!!! so that was pretty much the whole night... oh cept when us kids drove to get ice cream. that was eventful. i had never driven in another city so it was weird. my cousin kept making comments about my driving. i almost killed him :)

friday: we drove 3 hours to Springfield, met my brother and other aunt and uncle for lunch at chillis. that was boring. then we headed to the hotel, got dressed, and headed over to the stadium where the graduation was to be held. there were like a billion people there which was weird... cause over like 2000 people graduated (not at the same time they split it up into 3 different times). so we sat through the ceremony then hung out at chillis again and our hotel with my brothers till about 10.

saturday: crap happened, and so did the drive back home. we spent about 11 hours in the car cause we were driving from Springfield to Amarillo. nothing fun then really. cept i got to watch nitro circus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that show is so stinkin amazingly awesome i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sunday: our little drive home. we got back around 12, unpacked, then i headed over to the church to hang out with the besties. it was great!!! hung out with sara, chris, evie, and elliott till about 230 then went home and got ready for chris' graduation party. it was so much fun!!! and good cause i got to fix some stuff with friends. and tell someone who means the world to me about something and he took it well. so yay for that!!!!!

monday: doomsday. im a freak. its the summer and math is hard. but guess what???? im taking calculus, the hardest math, during this summer!! im insane but i love it. the first hour of class was awful cause i had no idea what my professor was saying but for the other hour and 20 minutes i got it. it was good. i just hope i make it through the summer!!

adios buenos amigos

im on a roll!!!!!!!! seriously ive written more this week then i have..... in a long time. i missed writing. i like being able to get my thoughts out instead of having them bounce around in my head and drive me crazy. its also nice to be able to get out thigns that make me really really happy. like today. i got to spend a couple of hours with the one person ive wanted to be around and just hang with for a long time. it was awesome. i was really really really really nervous before (almost to the point of making myself so sick i almost called to cancel) but it turned out to be a lot of fun. i love how even when you think things will never get better, God always has a plan. this situation was funny. he and i usually only "talk" when something bad has happened. this time it was the opposite. we actually got a long great this weekend. we talked and were normal. imagine my suprise when he txted me asking if i wanted to hang. course i said yes. and im glad i did. we had a good time. got to talk and just be ourselves. it was good!!! yay Jesus, this is exactly what i needed. now we just have to see whats going to happen from now on...

on another note.... i love my friends. i love that they honestly love me and care about me. i hate that sometimes i get so full of it that i forget that, but the reminder is always a good thing. i think i had the best of friends during highschool... yet the best years in middle school. its weird. the friends i made during freshman-senior year are the friends people dream of: honest, trustworthy, kind, funny, caring, loving, special, and actually are good friends to me. i love it. it might not always be perfect or as fun as middle school... but im so happy with everyone. so to all you guys who have been here... thanks so mucho mucho!!!!

i am so terrified right now its not even funny. i forgot what this feels like. tomorrow is going to be do or die. hopefully its do because i care about him a lot and want to get this figured out once and for all. this is when trust plays a huge part. tomorrow could turn out to be either amazing, or a living hell. but im trust Him to do his will and to get us through this whether it be side by side or on opposite ends of the spectrum. pray would be greatly appreciated right now

hmmm

ive written 2 posts in a week!!! its a miracle. so im dearly hoping no one is reading this cause a lot of this may either bore you, shock you, or make you think im insane if you don't think that already. so if your reading this.... you should prolly go find something else productive to do. like go listen to the new TDWP, ok? ok





ive liked this one guy for a while. hes one of my best friends, and can almost always make me smile. a month ago i wanted more than anything to be with him, but there were things that i was not going to let him come between. now, some of those compilcations have smoothed out and i hate it. im supposed to be happy about this, yet i can't get over the fact that i wish she would like him and he keep liking her so i don't have to deal with anything. even worse is that i know its not His will that anything should happen. the guy has very little of what i want in a bf, there are issues with some people, and those aren't even all the signs that God has shown me. i just don't know what to do if he finds out she doesn't like him because im pretty sure hes going to come after me. i really really don't want this anymore. it sucks too because hes like one of my best friends!!! on one hand i don't want to hurt him or lose him, and on the other i know that i would not be happy with him. gah headache. this is one of those times when i wonder why in the world God is doing this. i know He has a plan, but i can't come up with any possible good ending to this. i don't like waiting, and i don't like knowing whats going to happen tomorrow. i don't like knowing that He has the power to throw my life into a mixer and just let it spin. i know the cake will turn out good but this feeling is making me sick. God, i don't understand these feelings. i don't understand how i can still like guys who are totally wrong for me, or who i know would never return the feeling. God, as scared as i am, its in your hands

ha i fail

i never write in this thing. like ever. maybe its cause i forget.... or because im just too lazy :p. so for the past 3 months (i think) 5 of my friends and i have been planning for our graduation. there were good times and bad but today we got to see the results of all our hard work. last night we had to start setting up for the ceremony and did a lil run through of the ceremony. then we pretty much just hung out till it was time to leave. after we finished with everything, my brothr and i went to one of my best friend's birthday parties. it was actually kinda fun. i felt bad though cause everyone there was just hanging out with other people and being lame. i know how it was when you have all your friends to celebrate a birthday with you and it ends up being not so fun. so im going to try to take her out this week to give her something amazing. so that was yesterday. today was doomsday. woke up with cramps and had to be at the church at 11. not so fun, but thankfully my pain didn't start kicking in til after the ceremony. it was awesome. we got to hang out, be retards, and enjoy our last moments as high schoolers.the ceremony went well with pretty much nothing weird.... cept for someone's saying he shouldn't have to pay for his sex. :D (not what it sounds like) it was really really nice though. i for one am glad to be done though. i had some good years but it was time to move one. im really glad i got to do it with these people though. robert is one of my closest friends and hilarious. i was really happy that he was graduating early. evie just lights up everything and pretty sure i wouldn't enjoy her screams if she hadn't graduated on time. lizzie is plain adorable and i loved being able to spend this with her, especially since ive known her for years. manda panda... to put it mildly.... IS FREAKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! that woman brings so much joy to me is insane. this graduation wouldn't have been the same without her. last.... haha was jared. gah that kid makes me laugh. i was a little freaked when i found out i wasn't the only one graduating early but it was really really cool to be up there with him. hes an amazing guy and being around him is always a party. all in all these guys were amazing. my graduation would have sucked without them. so to my class of 2009..... THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry

i did not mean for it to turn out this way. i wanted to be honest with him because i was not up to dealing with this every week. i did not mean for you to get dragged into this. i did not want this to change things between you two. im so so so so sorry. im pretty sure that nothing i do is going to fix how this turned out but i want you to know that i really am sorry.

I caved

Happy New Years!

happy, robert? :)