how wrong was i

last night was an eye opener for me. Matt's message was about friendship, how it should be a give and take relationship. I remember Amanda saying that its important to have an equal amount of giving and an equal amount of taking. I always thought i was one of those people who gives everything and gets nothing in return. After last night i realize im not. i give a little but expect a ton in return. I expect people to go out of their way to include me, make me feel comfortable, and want to hang out yet im not willing to go out of my way to be myself, get to know people more, or make plans to hang out with them. I am now officially a taker. Its going to take everything to get out of that, but i want to be able to have close friendships and know that im doing everything i can. i love every single one of the people in my life and i want them to know that.

<3

are you kidding me, God?

mmm i love making people laugh. i can't describe the joy that fills my heart when that happens, even when people laugh at me. (if its in a good way not in a mean way :p) i love making people at work laugh. it makes me feel like im not just the weird one, but that i can sorta get along with people. i love my job. i love the God who gave me this job :D

so tomorrow is valentines. normall i don't care about valentines cause ive never really had a guy, it was just a day where i could hang out with all my friends and look cute :). this year i decided i didn't like it. some of you reading this know why, and others don't so don't ask me :). these past couple of days have been interesting though. ive been telling God that i can't handle whats been going on, that i didn't want to deal with it or any other situation like it. haha God doesn't listen :p. when you think life can't get more confusing He decides to throw something else into your life to see what is going to happen. i just hope i can make the decisions that are going to be what He wants, but also that arent going to hurt someone that i care about.

oh well life is interesting.

:D bon voyage all you sweethearts

Juan and Pierre

Sometimes i wonder how in the world i would survive without my friends. they help me when almost no one else can, they stand by me, they open up to me, and they remind me about His love and purpose. Especially those 2. He constantly keeps me on my toes, and cares when i need it the most. I didn't know i could trust another guy again, but He proved me wrong. She always puts a smile on my face even when im down. She loves, strengthens, cares, and perseveres (sp?) and to this day she is one of the biggest influences in my life. I love all my friends, but those are the 2 that impact me the most. I have no idea where i would be without them. Thanks, Jesus.

:D


oooooh yea.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAE!!!!!! :p

Sometimes i think im doing ok. I know im still a sinner, but sometimes i think "hey, im doing ok. i haven't really done anything, im on the right track." silly me. thats a big booboo right there. its called pride. im really bad when it comes to that. thats how it was for me tonight. i was standing there singing and thought, yay jesus im not struggling. im not doing stupid things that are making you mad. ok first off, im thinking this while im supposed to be worshipping him. im there singing my little heart out not even concentrating on who im singing too. it was just an action. then when matt was speaking, i wasn't really connecting with his words. i was listening and everything but nothing resonated. (i hope i used that correctly) during the final song i made a point to not let my mind wonder, because i owe it to him to give him something. during all this im still on my original thought. "im a good kind, i don't screw up that often." HA

God has a way of showing you that you are not as great as you think you are. Want to know what this way was for me? seeing this. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ (that means look up)

God has the beautiful picture in my life. It is absolutely stunning. but im a failure and i screw up that beautiful picture. but each time i fail he loves me enough to forgive me when i ask (well he does anyways) but know what else he does? he completely tears away the picture that i ruined and gives me a new fresh start. seriously how lucky am i?!?!?!

you are my reason. you are my hope. you are my salvation. you are my reminder. you are my strength. you are my friend. you are my provider. you are my everything

im going to be one of those people who gets to watch her friends get engaged while she remains single forrrrrreeeeeevvvvvveeeeeerrrrrrr.

is this a blessing or a curse?


:\

kings and queens

Its christmas eve. tomorrow is christmas. i think the only thing that reminds me its christmas is Jesus. im not in the christmas spirit, and it doesn't even feel like christmas. except for the fact that He died and im celebrating it tomorrow (officially). guess thats the only important thing :p

service was good this morning. one of my favorite parts was the "transiberian" song the band first played. it was incredible. i got chills. it reminded me that christmas doesn't have to be all sweet and cute. it can be hardcore and incredible. that song was the reminder of that. i wish we could have a song like that every week. the only downside to that service was when they played angels we have heard on high to the tune of Viva La Vida by coldplay. lol i was just a tad annoyed cause i was singing along to coldplay while everyone was singing the christmas song. oh well it meshed on some parts :p

working on christmas eve is quite an experience. i have a whole new respect for retail employees. i was only at work for 2 hours and those 2 hours were so stinkin busy! i felt bad leaving michelle and charlie but family stuff comes first. it was funny i was helping this guy with toddler shoes ( i think they were for his son) and i finished and put the shoes he wanted at the counter for carly to ring up. i was in the back getting shoes for someone else when carly came in laughing. she had asked that guy who helped him, cause its what we do. his response- "the skinny hot chic (or the hot skinny chic w/e)." needless to say it was pretty hilarious. michelle came back a few minutes later and told me again. oh well as long as they got a laugh ill deal :p

off to grandma's house we go. it was fun. good food. cool gifts. wanna know the best part? we were talking about my whole getting married thing and my dad said he knew who he wanted me to marry. my grandmother chimes in saying she knows too. ive talked with my dad so i already knew who he was referring to but i thought my grandma was going to mention my ex or something. but nnnoooo. she wanted me to marry the same guy my dad wants me to. scary or what? well its never going to happen :)

Jesus has better for the both of us. and im pretty sure its not the other


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!

(yay for jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wonder if he was a cute baby)

one of the best nights ive had in a long time. i miss hanging out with big groups of people. i love the awkward moments. i love the goofing off. i love being able to just hang out and not have to worry about who is watching or what we are doing.

i hate that out of all the fun i had, the night ended with my frustrated but i guess that comes with the territory.

thank you all, and to all a good night

Love

one of my favorite coworkers is being sent home to Cali
:(

i got an A in spanish
:)

tonight is church
:)

next week is christmas
:)

week after that is shift party
:)

30 seconds to mars good
:)

the great i am

sometimes i wonder why. why am i this way? why do i talk like that? why do i feel like this? why am i never good enough? why? i went from being the happeist person in middle school to an emotional teenager in highschool. i hate looking back to freshman year and on and seeing that the only times i was actually truly happy were when i was with him, and when i surrounded myself with a group of people who i thought were my best friends. he made me hapier than anyone. i trusted him so completely that i actually took the time to tell him about my day, about the stupid things i saw and did, what i wanted out of life, and how i felt. that has been the only time in my life i ever was that honest with someone. i didn't care if he thought i was crazy, cause i knew that even if he did, he would still be there. i don't have that anymore. i have gone through friends like people go through shoes. they last for a while but you can't have them forever. i want someone who i can trust, be honest with, be myself with, screw up with, and know that they still give a crap about me. i took a risk last year with some people. wasn't at the same level but i tried. and i got burned. i know people make mistakes but when they go from trusting you and being close with you to mocking you, making fun of you, and ignoring you, what am i supposed to do then?



trust Him. He may have taken away everything that made me complete, but He did it for me because He knew i deserved better. He knew i deserved better than having someone lie to me, take advantage of me, use me, refuse me, reject me, and humiliate me. sometimes His plans are better than my plans. when things get tough, even unbearable, i have to remember that. one day im going to get away from all this and just be able to sit in His arms. im not going to worry about boys, friends, family, school, work, or life. im going to be able to close my eyes and sing. im going to be able to curl up in His lap whenever i want without worrying about Him not having the time, or being preoccupied. He is going to be my only priority, and in turn, i am going to be His



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My God,

So desperately I watch them calling for You.

To bring down your hands.

To make this all okay.

To make us whole again.

Us whole again.

And now,

So desperately I have been calling for You.

To bring down your hands.

To make this all okay.

To bring me home.

And He said.

I will carry you home again,home tonight.

I will carry you to let you fly,to let you fly.

And now,

So desperately I have been waiting for You.

To bring down your hands.

To make this all okay.

To make me whole again.

I know that this is the way.

I know this is the way you planned for it.

I will carry you home again,home tonight.

I will carry you to let you fly,to let you fly.

I will carry you home again,home tonight.

I will carry you to let you fly,to let you fly

Dear Me

Dear Blog World,

I don't understand you at all. I don't know why i blog, because no one reads it :p. Maybe I do it for my own enjoyment. Yea thats prolly it. So maybe this should be called "Dear Me". yea thats what I am going to change it to.

Dear Me,

I love my job. I was terrified first day because the only person i knew was Carly, and i knew about Charlie. now 3 weeks later, i know pretty much everyone and im almost sure none of them hate me. I get along pretty well with everyone, especially William and Charlie. Those 2 make me so happy I am not one of those girls who doesn't like hanging with guys (yes there are girls like that). Its really nice having more than 1 friend there, cause its not awkward for me when im working and im not scared of asking them for help, either before i after i screw up. I remember filling out job applications this summer. my number 1 choice for wanted to work was Hot Topic, 2 was Vans. I thought those would never be possibilites, that i would be stuck at Dions. Jesus had other plans though :D
~I got my Vans

Well this has been a really nice conversation with myself. Ill talk to myself later :p