think before you act

i hate it when the decisions ive made in the past come back to bite me in the booty. why cant it just be forgotten and over with?

... grrr

wow. this is interesting

you know you're pathetic when you get more joy out of other people's relationships than your own. you know your pathetic when it makes you happier to see other people in relationships than to see yourself in one. you also know your pathetic when you try to find something even close to that in all the places you know you won't get it.

hooray for relationships

overwhelming

It seems that even with school over, my life just keeps getting more and more overwhelming. i hate saying it but i kinda miss school. at least i could get my mind off things since work hasn't been doing that lately. oh well i have Jesus, my music, and my friends.

Im ready for tomorrow. i miss work. i don't like having only 2 days a week that i work. im hoping the summer will bring more business so i can be there more and see all the amazing people i love. i get to finish looking for grad gifts tomorrow too. i need to go see if i can find something for carly, and see if i can find something else for nikki. thank goodness elliott's is done or my head would prolly explode.

i wish i had more to write. i need a more exciting life. hmmm i need to find me some matches, a tazer, and more chalk.

bye bye world

i realized that it pretty much pointless that i have a blog. i don't ever post anything, so i pretty much just read what my friends write. thats kinda sad. actually its kinda normal since i don't ever do anything exciting, and if i do there isn't enough for me to blog about.

i need a life

ah the memories

we put my dog down today. i cried. actually more like bawled. we knew we were going to have to do it sooner or later but us doing it this week was a huge surprise. he had a seizure tuesday night and my parents decided that we needed to do it now instead of wait cause we didn't want him to get worse. we were supposed to take him wednesday but we did it today. that was nice cause we got some more time with him but i still wish we could have waited :(

oh well at least he knew he was loved. i miss my doggy :(


on a happier note, this weekend is Dnow!!! im excited :))) i get to spend the whole weekend with Nikki, Sarah, and some of those amazing junior girls. its going to be sick. im just sad that i have to miss the actual worship time tomorrow. stupid honor society.

anyways i hope you all enjoy your weekend

how wrong was i

last night was an eye opener for me. Matt's message was about friendship, how it should be a give and take relationship. I remember Amanda saying that its important to have an equal amount of giving and an equal amount of taking. I always thought i was one of those people who gives everything and gets nothing in return. After last night i realize im not. i give a little but expect a ton in return. I expect people to go out of their way to include me, make me feel comfortable, and want to hang out yet im not willing to go out of my way to be myself, get to know people more, or make plans to hang out with them. I am now officially a taker. Its going to take everything to get out of that, but i want to be able to have close friendships and know that im doing everything i can. i love every single one of the people in my life and i want them to know that.

<3

are you kidding me, God?

mmm i love making people laugh. i can't describe the joy that fills my heart when that happens, even when people laugh at me. (if its in a good way not in a mean way :p) i love making people at work laugh. it makes me feel like im not just the weird one, but that i can sorta get along with people. i love my job. i love the God who gave me this job :D

so tomorrow is valentines. normall i don't care about valentines cause ive never really had a guy, it was just a day where i could hang out with all my friends and look cute :). this year i decided i didn't like it. some of you reading this know why, and others don't so don't ask me :). these past couple of days have been interesting though. ive been telling God that i can't handle whats been going on, that i didn't want to deal with it or any other situation like it. haha God doesn't listen :p. when you think life can't get more confusing He decides to throw something else into your life to see what is going to happen. i just hope i can make the decisions that are going to be what He wants, but also that arent going to hurt someone that i care about.

oh well life is interesting.

:D bon voyage all you sweethearts

Juan and Pierre

Sometimes i wonder how in the world i would survive without my friends. they help me when almost no one else can, they stand by me, they open up to me, and they remind me about His love and purpose. Especially those 2. He constantly keeps me on my toes, and cares when i need it the most. I didn't know i could trust another guy again, but He proved me wrong. She always puts a smile on my face even when im down. She loves, strengthens, cares, and perseveres (sp?) and to this day she is one of the biggest influences in my life. I love all my friends, but those are the 2 that impact me the most. I have no idea where i would be without them. Thanks, Jesus.

:D


oooooh yea.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAE!!!!!! :p

Sometimes i think im doing ok. I know im still a sinner, but sometimes i think "hey, im doing ok. i haven't really done anything, im on the right track." silly me. thats a big booboo right there. its called pride. im really bad when it comes to that. thats how it was for me tonight. i was standing there singing and thought, yay jesus im not struggling. im not doing stupid things that are making you mad. ok first off, im thinking this while im supposed to be worshipping him. im there singing my little heart out not even concentrating on who im singing too. it was just an action. then when matt was speaking, i wasn't really connecting with his words. i was listening and everything but nothing resonated. (i hope i used that correctly) during the final song i made a point to not let my mind wonder, because i owe it to him to give him something. during all this im still on my original thought. "im a good kind, i don't screw up that often." HA

God has a way of showing you that you are not as great as you think you are. Want to know what this way was for me? seeing this. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ (that means look up)

God has the beautiful picture in my life. It is absolutely stunning. but im a failure and i screw up that beautiful picture. but each time i fail he loves me enough to forgive me when i ask (well he does anyways) but know what else he does? he completely tears away the picture that i ruined and gives me a new fresh start. seriously how lucky am i?!?!?!

you are my reason. you are my hope. you are my salvation. you are my reminder. you are my strength. you are my friend. you are my provider. you are my everything

im going to be one of those people who gets to watch her friends get engaged while she remains single forrrrrreeeeeevvvvvveeeeeerrrrrrr.

is this a blessing or a curse?


:\

kings and queens

Its christmas eve. tomorrow is christmas. i think the only thing that reminds me its christmas is Jesus. im not in the christmas spirit, and it doesn't even feel like christmas. except for the fact that He died and im celebrating it tomorrow (officially). guess thats the only important thing :p

service was good this morning. one of my favorite parts was the "transiberian" song the band first played. it was incredible. i got chills. it reminded me that christmas doesn't have to be all sweet and cute. it can be hardcore and incredible. that song was the reminder of that. i wish we could have a song like that every week. the only downside to that service was when they played angels we have heard on high to the tune of Viva La Vida by coldplay. lol i was just a tad annoyed cause i was singing along to coldplay while everyone was singing the christmas song. oh well it meshed on some parts :p

working on christmas eve is quite an experience. i have a whole new respect for retail employees. i was only at work for 2 hours and those 2 hours were so stinkin busy! i felt bad leaving michelle and charlie but family stuff comes first. it was funny i was helping this guy with toddler shoes ( i think they were for his son) and i finished and put the shoes he wanted at the counter for carly to ring up. i was in the back getting shoes for someone else when carly came in laughing. she had asked that guy who helped him, cause its what we do. his response- "the skinny hot chic (or the hot skinny chic w/e)." needless to say it was pretty hilarious. michelle came back a few minutes later and told me again. oh well as long as they got a laugh ill deal :p

off to grandma's house we go. it was fun. good food. cool gifts. wanna know the best part? we were talking about my whole getting married thing and my dad said he knew who he wanted me to marry. my grandmother chimes in saying she knows too. ive talked with my dad so i already knew who he was referring to but i thought my grandma was going to mention my ex or something. but nnnoooo. she wanted me to marry the same guy my dad wants me to. scary or what? well its never going to happen :)

Jesus has better for the both of us. and im pretty sure its not the other


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!

(yay for jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wonder if he was a cute baby)

one of the best nights ive had in a long time. i miss hanging out with big groups of people. i love the awkward moments. i love the goofing off. i love being able to just hang out and not have to worry about who is watching or what we are doing.

i hate that out of all the fun i had, the night ended with my frustrated but i guess that comes with the territory.

thank you all, and to all a good night

Love

one of my favorite coworkers is being sent home to Cali
:(

i got an A in spanish
:)

tonight is church
:)

next week is christmas
:)

week after that is shift party
:)

30 seconds to mars good
:)

the great i am

sometimes i wonder why. why am i this way? why do i talk like that? why do i feel like this? why am i never good enough? why? i went from being the happeist person in middle school to an emotional teenager in highschool. i hate looking back to freshman year and on and seeing that the only times i was actually truly happy were when i was with him, and when i surrounded myself with a group of people who i thought were my best friends. he made me hapier than anyone. i trusted him so completely that i actually took the time to tell him about my day, about the stupid things i saw and did, what i wanted out of life, and how i felt. that has been the only time in my life i ever was that honest with someone. i didn't care if he thought i was crazy, cause i knew that even if he did, he would still be there. i don't have that anymore. i have gone through friends like people go through shoes. they last for a while but you can't have them forever. i want someone who i can trust, be honest with, be myself with, screw up with, and know that they still give a crap about me. i took a risk last year with some people. wasn't at the same level but i tried. and i got burned. i know people make mistakes but when they go from trusting you and being close with you to mocking you, making fun of you, and ignoring you, what am i supposed to do then?



trust Him. He may have taken away everything that made me complete, but He did it for me because He knew i deserved better. He knew i deserved better than having someone lie to me, take advantage of me, use me, refuse me, reject me, and humiliate me. sometimes His plans are better than my plans. when things get tough, even unbearable, i have to remember that. one day im going to get away from all this and just be able to sit in His arms. im not going to worry about boys, friends, family, school, work, or life. im going to be able to close my eyes and sing. im going to be able to curl up in His lap whenever i want without worrying about Him not having the time, or being preoccupied. He is going to be my only priority, and in turn, i am going to be His



------------------------------------



My God,

So desperately I watch them calling for You.

To bring down your hands.

To make this all okay.

To make us whole again.

Us whole again.

And now,

So desperately I have been calling for You.

To bring down your hands.

To make this all okay.

To bring me home.

And He said.

I will carry you home again,home tonight.

I will carry you to let you fly,to let you fly.

And now,

So desperately I have been waiting for You.

To bring down your hands.

To make this all okay.

To make me whole again.

I know that this is the way.

I know this is the way you planned for it.

I will carry you home again,home tonight.

I will carry you to let you fly,to let you fly.

I will carry you home again,home tonight.

I will carry you to let you fly,to let you fly

Dear Me

Dear Blog World,

I don't understand you at all. I don't know why i blog, because no one reads it :p. Maybe I do it for my own enjoyment. Yea thats prolly it. So maybe this should be called "Dear Me". yea thats what I am going to change it to.

Dear Me,

I love my job. I was terrified first day because the only person i knew was Carly, and i knew about Charlie. now 3 weeks later, i know pretty much everyone and im almost sure none of them hate me. I get along pretty well with everyone, especially William and Charlie. Those 2 make me so happy I am not one of those girls who doesn't like hanging with guys (yes there are girls like that). Its really nice having more than 1 friend there, cause its not awkward for me when im working and im not scared of asking them for help, either before i after i screw up. I remember filling out job applications this summer. my number 1 choice for wanted to work was Hot Topic, 2 was Vans. I thought those would never be possibilites, that i would be stuck at Dions. Jesus had other plans though :D
~I got my Vans

Well this has been a really nice conversation with myself. Ill talk to myself later :p

Love

I love my life.


I love my Savior


I love my family


I love my friends


I love my job


I love the people at my job


I love the strangers that walk by me every day


I love the kids that hardcore dance


I love the kids that headbang


I love the kids that sit quietly and let the music flow through them


I love music


I love dance


I love that im not a very good lover. this means im not perfect and that i still need Him

I love

I love because He first loved me.

this has been one of the best days this year. new camera+lumberjack shirt+snow=awesomeness

only sad thing is i got a call from vans about setting up an interview. turns out it was the one at coronado and i don't know if anyone from cottonwood will call :( but i guess carly is going to find out if i need to do anything later. oh well still happy :))))))))))))

ahh good day. thanks, Jesus

The Cullen Song (a must read)

I've got a diabolical plan this Halloween
One that's sure to increase my popularity
Didn't get invited to the costume party Friday night
But I won't stand here sulking in the twilight
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
the guys will be jealous but the girls will love it
Running so fast that it's never a race
Spreading lots of glitter all over my face
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
Not receiving invitations never stopped me
beforeI will show up knocking on their front door
Vampire teeth completes my costume, almost done
I bet Edward shops Forever 21
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
the guys will be jealous but the girls will love it
Running so fast that it's never a race
Spreading lots of glitter all over my face
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
*whining*
Drivin' this Benz like I got no license
Bitin' on necks like they're made of spices
Suckin' on blood cause it tastes like honey
Climbin' up trees with my spider monkey
Playin' baseball, swing a bat like lightnin'
Gotta save Bella with some vampire fightin'
Playin' hooky from class cause I gotta go feed
Rippin' up roots askin' "What do we eat?"
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen
the guys will be jealous but the girls will love it
Running so fast that it's never a race
Spreading lots of glitter all over my face
I'll show up to the party as Edward Cullen

well that made me think

i love reading my friend rachel's blog. the woman is a genius. reading her posts/comments i can't help but feel a little stupid sometimes that i don't have knowledge like that. that, however, is strictly my own fault.



she recently made a post about people recognizing her at church from seeing her at school or some other place. some of the comments on it made me think. i won't summarize cause ill fail, but since im going to talk about this, go read it.

http://yoterahava.blogspot.com/2009/10/this-is-moment-that-you-know.html



i am pretty much an idiot when it comes to knowledge of the Bible, of Christ, of God, and of anything having to do with those three. i have no one to blame for my lack of knowledge but myself. i could be sitting down and studying the bible, memorizing, talking with people about it, doing research on it, etc. yet over the 14 years of my relationship with the only Person that truly matters, i have the knowledge of a new born baby. if i was to sit and have a conversation with an unbeliever, i would prolly do a horrible job of showing them Christ. i know nothing except His love for me. that matters, but if i don't have facts to back up my faith, what good is it? ive always wondered why He has never presented me with opportunities to talk with people about Him (maybe He has, i either missed it or ignored it), but its prolly because i don't know enough. im not prepared. no one goes into battle not knowing how to fight. people don't send librarians off to Iraq to fight on the front line. they aren't prepared (ok they might be if they are librarians who joined the army). if i was to be sent overseas, i wouldn't be prepared. i don't know how to shoot, i don't have endurance, i don't have strength, i have absolutely no pain tolerance, i don't know how to drive a humvee, and i don't know how to do what needs to be done. I AM NOT PREPARED! i think it is one of the most important things as people who have a relationship with Christ to be prepared when situations arise. Do we know why God created the universe, the world, and us? Do we know why He allowed Adam and Eve to fall in the garden of Eden instead of keeping everything perfect and beautiful. Do we know why He sent His only beloved, precious, holy, and perfect son to die a death so hideous it is still talked about today, nearly 2000 years later? Do we know why He has kept us here? Do we know why everything has happened?



If we don't, we are not prepared. those aren't even all the questions people have concerning God, Jesus Christ, the Bible, etc. We will never have all the info, but if we have none of it, i wonder sometimes if this has all been a waste. God didn't create us to play in the NFL, to find a cure for cancer, to marry and have kids, or to live the funnest life we could dream of. Some of these things may be in His plan for us, but He ultimately created us to choose to love Him, follow Him, worship Him, be His friend, love Him, pursue an intimate relationship with Him, etc. He also created us to share His gift of enduring, endless love with those who haven't experienced it. we were created to go to the ends of the earth and share the story of the gospel.



we may not always be treated with kindness and respect. people may not always be openminded to what we have to say. they may treat us like crap, deny everything we have to say, tell us we are liars, or tell us we are fools. we may not be able to reach everyone, or have everyone accept what we have to say, but trying is what counts. we cannot force people to do what we want, or what He wants. it is ultimatly their decision. if they choose to ignore, we should still love, be open, and know that He loves them, even if they don't return the feeling.

if i ever happen to have a conversation with any of you, and i completely fail at telling you how much He has changed my life, all i want you to know is He loves you.

The End